I post on tumblr too if anyone’s on there 🙂
I post on tumblr too if anyone’s on there 🙂
I no longer seek refuge
In approval of others
In the fake lovely comments
That hold no truth.
I no longer find solace
In sharing my feelings
In talking to those who “should know better”
Instead of just feeling.
I no longer find comfort
In the arms of my lovers
In the depths of my heart
That are fragments of my own imagination.
I no longer find contentment
In the further, distant future
That is supposedly better than tomorrow
And now is just a ticket to get there.
I no longer find peace
In thinking that ignorance is bliss
In stuffing my emotions back to my heart
To the point where they feel like disease.
I no longer count on
Spontaneously made promises
Hopeful smile or gaze
Instead of holding onto a branch of my own
Whilst being drowned in the midst of a stream of
I found faith when I thought there was none
In the abyss of my solitude.
Little did I know,
It was a blessing in disguise
Brought by my angels in forms of white butterflies,
11:11s and 222s.
I no longer seek truth
Where it does not exist –
And that’s from without.
All is within.
This is a rather spontaneous splatter of thought so bare with me!
First of all, allow me to explain my mentality, which I am trying to crawl my way out of.
When I’m about to have a meal, I create a mental image of how its contents are going to become a percentage of my body fat. Whilst I’m eating, I’m constantly ‘measuring’ my waist with my hands to observe how bloated the meal makes me. If my stomach goes past a certain size, I stop eating. I used to call this ‘mindfulness’. I’m not satisfied, but hey, still lean after eating, so I guess that’s how it works! Before having another meal, I look at the mirror constantly to see if my body deserves another meal by being thin enough. If it is, hurray! Dinner! If not, oh well, a biscuit and tea will do.
I am not going to get into detail about how I got to this point, that won’t help anyone. All I know is that this is not healthy and I project this utterly abusive behaviour onto loved ones by counting their calories as well as mine. However, I’d like to share how I’m learning to get out of this mindset, and that is by practicing this kind of…detachment.
My body is the way it is because I lost a lot of weight since I’ve been a teenager. In the culture I’m from, you’re almost applauded for this kind of an ‘achievement’. Therefore, I obtained a strange sense of pride. I made a conscious decision to not ascribe pride to my weight. Pride is already a ridiculous notion on its own, let alone when it is gained through something demeaning. Instead of thinking ‘I’m proud…’ I now think ‘I’m happy…’ and I am happy for a healthy body. I have been blessed with a sturdy physique that, in my eyes, makes my body look strong. Perhaps it’s my Taurus ascendant…that would explain the stereotypical ‘plump’ Venusian features, but this is not an astrology post – I’ll note it down for another one though.
Another form of this detachment is not looking at food relatively to your body, i.e. I no longer try to wrap my hand around my upper arm after eating pizza. That’s not how food works, it’s not like a bagel will be directly transported onto your thighs.
I look at my arms as tools to carry my belongings and I no longer spend my time obsessively looking at them in the mirror three times a day in order to see if I can still see my bones. I look at my legs as a form of transportation! They get me from A to B. I no longer try to measure by how much my thigh gap becomes narrower if I decide to spend the day indoors and not do any squats. I look at my abdomen as…an abdomen? It keeps my two halves in tact, I suppose. I hope you get the gist.
Beware though, that by ‘detachment’ I do not mean ‘ignorance’. I learned how to listen to my body. If my stomach starts growling, I’m hungry. If I have a headache, I’m probably dehydrated. If I feel somewhat feeble, it means it’s time for a nice walk or some other pleasant form of movement. I am slowly discovering what my body likes and dislikes. I no longer try to have a complete control over it. Instead, I established a healthy form of communication between my physical and mental well-being. And it is incredibly rewarding! It gave me a sense of freedom from judgement – especially my own judgement, which I deemed as someone else’s way of looking at me.
In not a very conclusive conclusion, I’m off to make dinner. I will have more intelligent things to say about this as I will keep on learning.
Please love yourselves, because it’s only your own love that is truly fulfilling.~
I do not wish my life to be linear.
I want it to be a wrinkle in time,
Passing one at the time,
Collage of fleeting moments
And cruised by others
In search of collective memory.
Will become my true friends,
And we will paint our queer belonging
In the future
We do not yet have,
But subconsciously own
And can call home.
The impact of beautiful works in queer theory I am currently reading ~
I’m tired of a constant, unfeasible desire,
Of being ghost of my own imagination,
Of magnetic attraction
To the warmth of your skin
That belongs to someone else.
My passion is unfathomable,
Hidden, prisoned, abandoned –
I forgot it exists
Until your gaze awakened it
In all its being.
I pray to all gods
To leave my heart alone
But they chose to tear it apart
With the fire
That instead of extinguishing
I’m tired of
Of my own infatuation.
Writing is my ‘secondary’ nature, I suppose.
I am, in so-called-real-life, a Part 1 Architecture graduate, and now published my entire university portfolio HERE!
If you’re curious about what’s going on in the head of a very conceptual architecture student, feel free to check my website.:-)
Custom domain is not in place yet because of many other ideas I have for the website, in other words, it’s work in progress, but I have archived all the work from the last three years of architectural education.
Writing about you
Makes me feel closer
Two what we could be
For standing next to you
Makes me crave
Either always being by your side
Or an absolute solitude.