i’m not happy and i won’t pretend to be like i always have.
i don’t want to force myself to overlook my own feelings that actually make sense.
it makes sense to be disappointed in my lack of effort.
it makes sense to be upset about not being at home.
it makes sense to cry when i feel isolated and lonely.
it makes sense to just not be happy when i’m not supposed to be.
i used to beat myself up for not being ‘grateful enough’ for what i have.
i used to ignore my feelings because i trust my rational mind instead.
i used to think it’s irrational to feel the way i have; but it’s not –
my feelings make sense. and this will become my daily prayer.
it all makes sense, and it always has.
the only thing that does not make sense is repression of my own emotions which simply act like warning signs that something is wrong – not pathetic, but wrong.
if i’m sad – it’s for a reason, if i’m annoyed – it’s for a reason, if i’m holding my ‘irrational’ feelings back – i become passive aggressive.
and guess what’s worse; pretending to be happy and letting everything build up to the point where you take it out on the wrong people at the wrong time
or being honest with yourself and paying attention to what you really feel, and at the end of the day, what you really are?
i’ll make this my belated new year’s resolution i suppose – to me this is revolutionary and enlightening. instead of suffering i will be a little bit sad. instead of suffering i will cry a little bit and won’t be ashamed of it. suffering is not even an understatement anymore; if you keep your emotions locked up at the back of your mind they will spread like a disease. it will become anxiety, it will become depression and it will last for years.. until one moment, when you will realise that feeling something is okay. there is no need to look down on those who cry and those who are depressed and those who are not happy even though they ‘have it better’ than someone else – it doesn’t make them weak. it doesn’t make me weak and it doesn’t make me any less grateful; it just makes me more honest and more in touch with, well, myself.
today i feel like shit. i am disappointed in myself, i am feeling hopeless, but i’m not covering it up. i know why i’m feeling like this and it will pass, because it’s something i can easily change. maybe tomorrow i will be happy – nothing wrong with that either. as long as i’ll know what i feel and listen to it, i will be fine, and being fine is okay.
*just an exclaimer; this has nothing to do with mental illness, i’m not some kind of professional to speak about such matters. these are just free-flowing words from my head.